22.5 Reflections on my 45th Birthday
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Today I turn 45 years old. It’s hard to believe.
I remember being a kid in the 1980’s and thinking, “I’ll be 26 years old in the year 2000!” I surpassed that long ago.
So here I am, on my 45th birthday, reflecting on things that I have been learning. Since 45 seems like a halfway point of sorts, I settled on 22 lessons I’m learning, plus another half-lesson for good measure.
In no particular order, here are 22.5 things I’ve been thinking about lately:
1. Age is mainly a state of mind.
It’s funny: I don’t feel 45. In fact, I don’t feel any older than I did last year. If anything, I feel younger and more energetic since I’ve been training for a half-marathon.
We shouldn’t get too hung up on age. I know people in their 30’s who act like old people. They are crotchety and set in their ways. And I know people in their 70’s who are comfortable with all the latest technology and never stop growing.
“Age” is mostly a matter of mindset and attitude.
2. Running is great therapy.
I used to ride my bike quite a bit, but this year I’ve gotten into running a lot more. My brother Don decided to train for a half-marathon and invited me to join him. Then my wife Melanie wanted to join as well. Now we’re all three working our own training plans while supporting each other in our goals.
I dreaded running initially. But the more consistently I have done it, the more I love it. Now running has become not only my daily workout, but my mental and emotional therapy as well. Running helps me clear my head and get re-centered, in addition to giving me all the physical benefits of exercise.
3. The vast majority of my daily problems are my own fault.
I’m not talking about a car accident that someone else caused or other situations where someone else is obviously at fault. I’m talking about the daily problems that we all deal with.
If I’m dealing with financial debt, misunderstandings with people, too many commitments, conflict with a co-worker or family member, being unhappy with my weight … those are all situations that I probably (or definitely) contributed to.
When we assume that our problems are somebody else’s fault, we have given up our ability to do anything about it. But when we assume responsibility, it empowers us to be proactive in dealing with it.
I failed at this so many times in the early years of our marriage. Melanie and I would have an argument, and I would shut down for two or three days, hardly speaking to her. (I recognize now that I was acting like a huge jerk!) I have changed my ways over the years, and now we resolve arguments very quickly.
4. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Man, this is a hard one for me. Really hard.
My parents raised us to be independent. When I went to college, I was there two weeks early because of a commitment to a singing group. I was the only person moving into the dorm that week. My parents helped me move my stuff in, said goodbye, and that was that.
As a man, and an Enneagram Type 5, I like to figure things out by myself. But I’ve learned to ask for help. There is no reason to needlessly spin your wheels trying to figure things out where there is an abundance of help available from others.
Smart people ask for help. Dumb people assume they are all-knowing and waste loads of time that could be devoted to more productive things.
5. It’s easy to let your personality be an excuse.
For the longest time, my main excuse was, “I’m an analytical type. I like to take my time in figuring things out. I’m also low-key and don’t want to be an over-assertive jerk.”
There are benefits to being an analytical professor-type. But there are also downsides. One of them is that you can analyze things to death without taking action. This is my Achilles’ heel for sure. Whatever your personality, don’t let it be an excuse for not going after your dreams and goals.
6. I have noticed a common trait among highly successful people: they respond to emails.
It happened just this week, as it has many times before. I emailed two entrepreneurs with highly successful businesses, and they both replied within a day. A-level people seem to understand the value of relationships and replying quickly to messages.
The reverse is also true: I have noticed that a large number of B- and C-level people (in terms of success) don’t reply to emails or messages at all. There is a correlation between valuing relationships and your level of success.
7. It’s almost always better to say less, not more.
One of the laws in Robert Greene’s excellent book The 48 Laws of Power is “Always say less than necessary.” The idea is simple: the more you say, the greater the change you will say something that makes you look bad.
While it’s true that this book comes with a healthy dose of cynicism, there’s a lot of truth to what Greene is saying. In a world that can’t stop talking (especially on social media), there is a lot of value to measuring your words and exercising restraint (this self-indulgent post notwithstanding …).
This especially applies on social media, or in situations where strong emotions or controversial topics are involved.
8. People are starving for encouragement.
One of my favorite sayings is “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” (The quote is usually attributed to Plato, but the source has been debated for years.)
Every person you meet could use a kind word. Every person wants to feel validated, affirmed, loved, and accepted. I never cease to be amazed at the responses I get from people when I send a hand-written note to say thanks or encourage them.
A short while ago, someone mentioned a card I sent them two decades ago! I couldn’t believe it. It goes to show that real encouragement and affirmation are rare. When you make a habit of providing that to people in a sincere way, you’ll have more friends than you know what to do with.
9. If you want something, give it away.
Lately, I’ve been following Honoree Corder, a successful writer who often says, “If you want something, give it away.” The first time I heard her say it, I was struck by how simple yet profound it was.
If you want encouragement, give it away. If you want book reviews, give them to others. If you want friends, be a friend. If you want money, give it to others. When you give things away, they will come back to you.
I’ve been trying to be more mindful of this principle. Every day, I write down three things I want, then ask myself how I’m going to give them away.
Let’s talk about another way to get what you want.
10. If you want something, just ask.
It sounds so simple, but I don’t do it nearly enough: just asking for something. It’s surprising how often people will accommodate you if you ask nicely.
This isn’t a magic bullet, of course. You might get turned down. But if you never ask, there is a 100% chance you will not get it. If you do ask, there is a decent chance you will.
11. I have zero interest in political discussions.
I’ve always been pretty passive when it comes to politics. I just don’t get excited about it, and I would rather spend my time on things that have a more direct effect on my life.
But in the last couple of years, as the U.S. has gotten more divided, the level of intelligent social discourse has gone way down. People have their opinions, and it’s pretty rare for anyone to change their minds as a result of a political conversation. Therefore, I avoid it altogether.
12. The most important interpersonal skill you can develop is empathy.
This is related to the last point because I see a huge lack of empathetic listening skills in our culture today. Very few people have the ability to truly listen to someone else without judgment.
In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” That advice is more important than ever. In a world that is increasingly polarized and divided, we need leaders and artists who can empathetically listen to others with divergent viewpoints. Only then will be able to enter into a dialogue where both parties can learn and grow.
You don’t need to agree with someone to be their friend.
13. I’m so glad I started a podcast.
I’m the host of the Born to Create Podcast, which is coming up on its 100th episode pretty soon. Having an interview-based podcast has given me an opportunity to personally connect with a lot of guests and provide valuable insights for my audience.
Podcasting is a lot of work, but it’s worth the effort. As Chris Ducker pointed out to me recently, having a podcast is like owning a little slice of the internet pie. It gives me a voice and a platform where I can teach and have conversations about topics that matter to me.
14. Relationships are a major key to success.
I’ve talked about this quite a bit on my blog and podcast. As an introverted, analytical person, I get my energy from spending time alone. However, over the last few years I have begun to grow a lot more as a result of being in mastermind groups with others.
These men and women have given me insights, knowledge, opportunities, and connections I would not have otherwise had. None of us is as smart as all of us.
15. One of the most important skills you can develop is learning to tell stories.
We humans are wired for stories. It’s why we love novels, comic books, movies, and TV shows. We tell stories constantly and can’t get enough of them. Stories are how we make sense of life.
I was thrilled when I had the opportunity to teach a college course on storytelling last Fall. Students loved it, and it was a great opportunity to dive deep into the subject. No matter what your line of work, you will benefit from becoming a better storyteller.
16. Failures are a great opportunity to improve.
Over the summer I put myself in the running for two major business opportunities. I spent about a week’s worth of time on each one, and was very confident that each one would work out.
Neither one did. I’m embarrassed to admit that I spent a good chunk of the summer feeling sorry for myself in the face of what felt like huge failures.
However, my amazing wife Melanie helped me gain a new perspective on these “failures.” They helped me learn and grow in new ways I would not have otherwise experienced.
17. Everybody has value.
Every person you meet, no matter who they are, has something to offer. We just have to be willing to listen and receive it.
When I was in middle school band, there was a kid named Doug (not his real name). Everybody made fun of him because he was socially awkward and talked funny. I confess that I joined in a few times.
I wish I could go back and talk to myself as a middle schooler. I’d tell that arrogant kid that everybody deserves respect, and that Doug was a nice person who badly needed a friend.
I can’t go back in time, but I sometimes wonder what I missed by not being a real friend to Doug. In my adult life, I have tried to be more conscious of the “Dougs” in my life—the people who are excluded for some reason—and reach out in some meaningful way.
18. When people are hurting others, it usually means they are in pain.
I’ve been trying be mindful of this principle at home and at work. When you encounter someone who snaps at others or is irritable, it is almost never about you. They are probably in pain.
For many years, I assumed that when my wife was irritable, it had something to do with me. (I didn’t realize how self-centered I was!) I didn’t realize that it almost *never* had anything to do with me.
This realization has helped me to not take people’s irritable moods personally. It’s also helped me be aware of my own irritable moods … and be grateful for my wife who has put up with a lot of my own moods over the years!
19. I miss my childhood home.
I grew up about five miles outside of Potosi, Missouri (a small town about two hours’ drive south of St. Louis). We had a huge yard and lived next door to my grandfather, whom I adored. To me, it was paradise.
Once I got into my 40’s, I began to have a deep longing to return home. I don’t mean that I wanted to move back there—just that felt life moving very quickly and had a desire to return to the simplicity of life when I was a kid.
I recently learned that our former home has been torn down and that my grandfather’s old house is in complete disarray. It’s totally surrounded by weeds and hasn’t been cared for properly.
I’m not sure what to make of all this, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately.
20. The most important work any artist can do is focus on creating their assets.
An asset is something you own or control. It holds the promise of future value.
Just as you buy a home with the expectation that it will grow in value over the years, a creative asset can grow in value as well. Examples of assets might include books, music, a website, email list, artwork, and so forth.
I do freelance writing, but I also invest time in creating my own assets that will bring me value over the long term. I first heard about this concept from the poet and creative coach Mark McGuinness. I highly recommend checking out his free book 21 Insights for 21st Century Creatives.
21. I have stopped trying to figure out God and am learning to trust Him more.
As an adult, I struggled for many years trying to come to grips with serious questions I had about my faith. However, I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone about this because I was a pastor, and pastors are supposed to have all the answers, right?
My way into faith had always been an intellectual path. I felt I couldn’t fully commit in my heart unless I had everything figured out and reconciled in my mind.
Then, two things happened: 1) I began to understand that it’s OK to have questions and doubts, and 2) I stopped trying to figure out my faith intellectually, and instead started to approach it from a relational standpoint.
There is a lot more to this story, but I’ll save that for another time.
22. The best way to ensure that I “live on” past my death is to write books.
Here’s a little thought experiment: 100 years from now, how will anyone be able to access your knowledge, ideas, and story?
Do we really expect that our computer files will be readable by whatever technology is available in 100 years? Maybe society will be incredibly advanced. Maybe the zombie apocalypse will happen and the world will be a giant wasteland. Who knows?
I’m sure I sound like an alarmist, but in my mind, the only way to ensure your words and your legacy live on for generations is create print books.
My grandmother Louise died in 1977 when I was three years old. There are only three ways I know about her: 1) What my parents and other relatives have told me, 2) A few minutes of recordings taken with a reel-to-reel camera, and 3) A handwritten notebook of her poetry that was passed down to me years ago.
In 100 years, everyone who knew her personally will be gone. The VHS recordings that those reel-to-reel tapes were transferred from will no longer be readable. But the notebook can live on for literally hundreds of years if cared for properly.
There are a lot of reasons to write a book, but for me, the #1 reason is that a book will outlive you by a wide margin. In my mind, it’s the only surefire way to ensure that your legacy will live on.
And finally …
22.5 Back up your computer!
Although your legacy can live on in print, we still live in the digital age. I can’t stress enough how important it is to have a backup system for your computer’s hard drive. I use Dropbox for all my important files, as well as the Time Machine backup app on my Mac for my whole hard drive.
There you have it. I know this is a long post but I hope it gives you some insight into my thinking.
I’d love to know your thoughts. Which of these lessons resonates with you the most?
