An Open Letter to Artists Struggling with Jealousy

What is your biggest problem or frustration as an artist?

That’s the question I recently asked on Facebook. Most of the responses dealt with common issues such as finding time to create art, not feeling motivated, and how to stand out from the crowd.

Finally, one person was brave enough to say what everyone was thinking: “I spend too much time comparing my work to others.”

If you’re alive and breathing, you have struggled with jealousy. It’s part of the human condition. But for most artists, jealousy is more than an occasional struggle. It’s a daily battle that threatens our very souls. It’s nearly impossible for us to separate ourselves from our creative work. It’s part of who we are.

When we see others who are more successful, or who have something we want, it’s difficult not to feel jealous. The question foremost in our minds is, “Why do they have ______, and I don’t?” (Fill in the blank with success, fame, money, a book contract, or a million other things.)

But this is the wrong question, and here’s why: It’s based on a destructive lie about success.

The Myth of the Zero-Sum Game

The lie goes something like this: When someone else succeeds, it means I have failed.

When we see other people enjoying their fame, money, accolades, or other types of success, we interpret it as a reflection on ourselves. Why do they get to enjoy success? Am I not worthy of the same success? Why do they get to have something that I don’t?

This is called a “zero-sum game.” When one person wins, another person loses. A positive balance in someone’s ledger means a negative balance in mine.

But it’s a myth. We know it isn’t true on an intellectual level, but our creative egos are fragile. The result? We emotionally interpret their success as a judgment against our own lack of success.

Pushing Against Invisible Walls

I spent the better part of a decade (most of my 30’s) feeling like I was stuck in a room with invisible walls that wouldn’t give way. I would ask myself questions like this: Why does so-and-so get all the attention? Why do they have more book sales? Why is my blog traffic so stagnant? Why isn’t anyone paying attention to me?

Sound familiar?

Over time, I realized that there is no connection between another person’s success and mine. The invisible walls weren’t real. They only existed in my mind, and there was nothing—and no one—standing in the way of my success.

I was stuck in a poverty mentality—the type of thinking that goes: There’s only so much to go around. You must horde everything for yourself.

The opposite of a poverty mentality is an abundance mentality. This line of thinking goes: There is more than enough to go around. Success breeds success. We can help each other.

How do you move from a poverty mentality to an abundance mentality? How do you stop playing the zero-sum game? How do you vanquish the spirit of jealousy and cultivate a spirit of generosity?

The secret is to shift your vocabulary and begin asking the right questions.

A Small Shift That Makes a Big Difference

In his classic business book QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability at Work and in Life, John G. Miller says that we need to change our questions in order to move away from a blame and victim mentality. Instead of focusing on “why” questions, focus on “what” or “how” questions.

The question that spurs our jealousy is, “Why do they have ______, and I don’t?” The problem with “why” questions is that they shift the responsibility away from ourselves and onto others. The only way to create the success you desire is to take 100% responsibility for your life.

“Why” questions keep us focused on external things we can’t control, such as other people’s actions and motivations. It’s much better to ask questions focused on “what”—what you can do, what you can control, what you can learn. After all, the only thing you can truly control is yourself.

Three Crucial Questions

These three questions will help you focus on attitudes and actions that will spur your creative success. Notice that each one begins with “what.”

1. What can I learn from this person?

I’ll bet you can think of a person who has something you want. They might have better name recognition, more income, more of people’s attention, or more of something else. I can think of many people in my own orbit who fit this category.

When we’re jealous of someone, we begin to think of them in a negative light. At our worst, we wish they weren’t so successful. That’s why jealousy is so insidious and destructive. At its worst, jealousy is less about wanting someone’s success and more about wanting their failure.

We need to flip this scenario around. Instead of wanting to take away someone else’s success, we should figure out how we can get to their level. What people, books, habits, and experiences helped them be successful?

If they have a blog, subscribe to it. If they wrote a book, read it. If they have a Facebook group, join it. If they are on Twitter, ask them questions.

(I do this frequently. The amazing thing about Twitter is that you can send almost anyone a direct message, and most of the time they quickly reply back.)

Stay humble, put yourself in a learning posture, and start making discoveries that help you on your own journey.

2. What do I have to offer that is unique?

As creative people, we see another person’s success and believe we should have it as well. But when you stop and think about it, the logic doesn’t add up.

Creativity is like a thumbprint. Everyone has creative gifts (whether they realize it or not), and everyone has something unique to offer the world.

Creativity is the thumbprint of the soul.

You may not believe you’re unique, but you are. God created you as a one-of-a-kind combination of personality, experiences, gifts, and passions that hasn’t existed before, and will never exist again.

So if you don’t believe you are a unique creation, and you don’t steward your creative gifts as the limitless potential it truly is … that’s an insult to God.

Where do we get tripped up? It happens when we see others creating art that is similar to ours. It might be writing, music, painting, speaking, or something else.

It’s easy to think, That guy is writing about the same topics I write about, and he’s more successful, so that invalidates my writing.

This is good news because it proves that there is an audience for your art. You should never worry about creative competition. Two people can take the same topic—or even the same set of lyrics—and write completely different tunes.

How many songs about lost love have you heard over the year? Probably thousands. They all focus on the same subject and use the same twelve notes on the musical scale. The vast majority of them are in 4/4 time and use a variation of the rhythm section: bass, drums, guitar, keys. Some will throw in horns or strings.

Yet we never complain about the similarities between songs. Why? Because there is an infinite number of variations on the same theme, using the same basic creative tools (instruments).

Don’t worry about another person’s strengths and success. They are traveling on their own creative journey. Don’t spend your life trying to sing someone else’s tune. Trying to copy another person’s success makes about as much sense as wishing you had their thumbprint.

Instead, focus on your own unique journey and how you can bring more of your art into the world.

3. What can I do to help someone?

Jealousy causes us to be inwardly focused. The more we fixate on what others have, the more angry, resentful, and bitter we become.

You can’t make good art when you’re angry, resentful, and bitter. Those emotions are like a desert that is dry and lifeless. They will suck the life right out of you.

Creativity is like water, and you can’t draw water from an empty well.

So how do you replenish your well? Stop focusing on what you don’t have, and start focusing on how you can help others.

Jealousy is rooted in taking. Generosity is rooted in giving.

It’s natural to think of ourselves first—what we need, what we want, what we lack. But just as others have things we want, we have things others want. No matter where you are on the creative journey, there are always people who are behind us.

Helping others, and working on your own success, are not opposites. They are two sides of the same coin. As Bob Burg and John David Mann say in their landmark book The Go-Giver, “Your influence is determined by how abundantly you place other people’s interests first.”

As it turns out, the best way to help yourself is to be more generous with others.

You can do this a million different ways. The point is to find another person whom you can help in some way. It doesn’t need to involve a big plan, or even cost you anything. Just keep your eyes and ears open, and you’ll be surprised at the simple ways you can help others.

The only way to defeat jealousy is by taking action. You won’t do it by thinking or analyzing. You have to do something. Don’t ask, “Why do they have ______, and I don’t?” Instead, focus on the three questions I’ve highlighted above.

Someone I greatly admire once said, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

Wise words for every artist.